I discovered something about myself tonight. I was lying in bed thinking about the work I had to do for school (a very common event for me) and wondering if I was going to be able to do it and get a good grade. My entire college career, particularly my master’s work, has focused on my GPA and proving myself, proving that I am worthy of my grades. But beyond that, I have to prove that I am smart and not the idiot I have been made to feel or I have acted as.
But this is not a way towards success, it is a way to follow directions.
I was not a good high school student and barely skated through. When I got to college I did well in my major but not so great in the other required classes. Then, as college went on and I could focus on one field, my grades got better. A lot better. This proved to me that when I am interested, I succeed.
But now this interest has been superseded by the need to achieve an arbitrary letter grade that validates my intelligence. It doesn’t mean I will be successful; it just means I know how to follow orders and give them (whoever is teaching) what they want. There is no creation in this process and it does not bring me joy.
This leads me to a few revelations: when I am not interested, I am not learning – I am just doing. I throw myself into the work as a matter of course, not to absorb the information, but to just “get it done.” This is not how school should work.
Secondly, what exactly is the purpose of the GPA as it pertains to grad school? Why do we need to maintain this number? I did discover that some employers will look at your GPA as an indicator of work ethic but once experience in a position is gained, the GPA fades in importance. So, it may help to get started but it is not something that will serve you for the rest of your life (except maybe the pride of earning it. I guess that cannot be understated.)
But more importantly, is following directions the path to success? Particularly, someone else’s directions? How will this angst serve me?
This latest degree feels like grasping for something I don’t quite realize I want. Is this the path? Will maintaining a 4.0 serve me or is it grasping at smoke?
Ah, but the real reason for this line of questioning is simple: self-belief. It is difficult for me to see myself in this field because I am scared of failure. I remember Jerry Rice saying he was motivated by fear of failure even though sports psychologists declared a player must let go of fear which is a negative emotion. But what if that negative produces the positive?
I was raised to feel that I was not good enough and that I needed to “be smart.” No accomplishment was rewarded at home. So why try?
This is where passion saved the day. My passion for music, teaching, and arts –drove me internally when there was no exterior support. I had to rely on my interest and desire to understand something to achieve any level of success. There was nothing else to drive me. I could have been content picking weeds and cutting grass. I could have had a good life.
But I chose a better one.
Now, I have to refire that interest and desire in this new pursuit. Dive into it like I have all my other interests and projects.
I have no idea if this will lead to a new job, venture, or even part-time money. I just need to remember who I am and what drives me. Because no one outside myself will push me as hard as I do.